


But Kermit Darling

by keets



Category: Sesame Street (TV), The Muppets - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2020-10-12 15:07:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20566373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keets/pseuds/keets
Summary: i’ve had a week long cold & fever so far and i’m so. so. bored. my fever brain wanted me to write a kermit the frog fanfic, even though a) i’ve never written a fanfic before and b) i’ve never shown that much interest towards muppets before. but i must obey the fever brain.this is basically a weird romantic fluff story about me meeting kermit the frog. the man and the legend. buckle the fuck up





	1. Snacks

**Author's Note:**

> if you’re not one of my friends and intend on reading this fic... i’m so sorry

It was a day like any other. I was sitting by the windmill, watching the ducks frolic around by the beach. The trees around me were filled with sunset coloured leaves that danced gracefully across the air as they fell down.

The air smelled nice and crispy, with a hint of garlic that was coming from my freshly opened garlic mayo jar. You better believe I was scooping that sweet sauce with both hands. You know how it is. A girl needs her snacks.

But my familiar Tuesday afternoon view was suddenly disturbed as a green figure approached the beach. The ducks gathered around the stranger in hopes of some tasty grapes or frozen peas. NEVER feed ducks bread, by the way. It’s really bad for them.

The mysterious stranger was fortunately aware of this fact, and proceeded to throw chopped lettuce to the funky feathered creatures. I noticed that the worry from duck nutrition issues had tensed up my whole body, so I actively started focusing on relaxing myself. The stranger was officially alright in my book.

Only after I had calmed down I took a closer look at this emerald green entity. I had a strange feeling I had seen that face before. In fact, it was on the tip of my tongue... **No.**

“Kermit the Frog?” I whispered in disbelief. It can’t be. What would a sensational superstar like him be doing in this little ol’ town? Yet the more I thought about it, the more sure I was. I could recognise those charming googly eyes in my dreams.

I continued to shamelessly stare at the prince of frogs himself. He had a slight smirk on his face as his golf ball eyes followed this one specific baby duckling. At first glance one could have said he looked happy, but he had this aura of melancholy around him. In a strange way, it made him look even more enchanting.

All around he was... Kind of majestic to look at. It was like staring at a painting and finding more and more details the longer you stared.

“Excuse me miss”, said a slightly nasal voice next to me. I snapped out of my trance - I had been staring at Kermit so deep in thought I hadn’t even noticed he had sat right next to me. I immediately hoped the ground swallow me up.

I tried to open my mouth so I could stutter out an apology but he continued: “What the fuck are you doing?”. My jaw dropped. Did Kermit the Frog just drop the f-bomb?

“I-I’m sorry mister the Frog s-sir, I was... I didn’t mean to s-stare”, I muttered nervously. “No I don’t care about that - just what are you doing with that huge jar of mayo”, he said while looking at my delicious snacks in disbelief.

“Oh”, I yelped. I could feel my veins being filled with adrenaline. My body was nearly vibrating with excitement as I realised I’d get to talk about mayonnaise again.

“Y’know, just going down on my favourite snack. It’s garlic flavoured, actually. I know it’s a bit of an odd snack on it’s own, but I guess I’m just a little quirky like that”, I explained with passion in my eye while I absentmindedly twirled a strand of hair around my finger.

To my surprise, mister the Frog chuckled. “Oh I see. That’s kinda cute, actually. I’m the same with frozen flies really. Can’t get enough of them”, he said with his body language being clearly more relaxed now.

“Sorry about the vulgarity from earlier by the way. I was just so utterly perplexed by the sight of you.”

“Don’t worry about it, you’re taking this way better than most people”, I laughed in relief. Maybe I hadn’t messed up my first interaction with a superstar after all.

“My friends make fun of my taste relentlessly all the time. I’m this close to being banned from getting to keep putting ketchup on pizza. But like, I guess that’s what I get for not being like other girls”, I scoffed. All my friends were so mean. Especially Jane.

“Well putting ketchup on pizza is just basic science. If kept in the fridge, it both cools down the hot pizza a-”

“AND gives it a nice, sweet flavour!” I finished his sentence without even realizing. We both shared the same pleasantly surprised look on our faces.

“Sorry about that, it’s just that no one else seems to get it”, I said as I looked down at my feet. Not because I was embarrassed - there was a tiny ladybug walking up my right ankle.

“No need to apologize, it’s always a pleasure to meet a woman of taste like yourself”, he said in the most gentle way imaginable. Suddenly the expression on sir the Frog’s face changed. He looked embarrassed - maybe even a bit disappointed in himself.

“Ah, where are my manners! Let me introduce myself. My name is Kermit the Frog.”

“I’m very well aware, mister the Frog”, I said with a smile on my face. “Oh please, call me Kermit. Mister the Frog is my father”, he insisted. Hell yeah, we were on first-name basis! “And what may I call you, my dear?”

_“Dear? Wow, this guy must really want to be my friend!”_, I thought to myself. _“I have to be smart about this, I don’t want him to lose interest in me immediately.”_

“I’ll tell you what, Kermit.” His name rolled off my tongue so nicely. “How about we spend the rest of the afternoon together. If you don’t guess my name by six o’clock, I win and you’ll owe me a favour.”

Kermit looked both surprised and amused. I’m sure he would have raised his eyebrows if he had any.

“And what if I win?” He said with a smug look on his face. The way he looked so confident and sure of himself was kind of adorable.

“Hmm. I guess I’ll owe you one too, but I promise it won’t come to that”, I said cheekily and stuck my tongue out. Kermit shook his head and laughed.

”I guess we’ll have to wait and see.”


	2. Toto

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a looong break but here it is: the second chapter of "But Kermit Darling"! i obviously don't have a fever anymore but damn it i'm too invested in this story to end it after just one chapter. and writing this fic has lowkey actually brainwashed me into falling in love with kermit.  
in order to preserve that fever like writing style, parts of this fic were written while i was very sleep deprived, parts of it while i was drunk, and the rest while i was in a silly mood Just Because.
> 
> in this chapter we get to have a fun lil afternoon with the ol' green baby boo. the romantic tension is unbearable. keep your hands inside the ride at all times, and remember kids - don't fall in love too hard.
> 
> (30.10.2019 EDIT: after doing some research, i found out that instead of being 9.5 times as tall as the world's longest nipple hair, i'm actually 9.6 times as tall as the world's longest nipple hair. so sorry for any confusion and i promise to do better in the future.)

"Catch me if you can!" Kermit giggled as he hopped around the amusement park. We had spent nearly three hours here, yet he still had the energy of a caffeinated squirrel. Damn that froggy was fast.

"Hey no fair, mister long legs!" As tall as I was at 163 centimeters, I was no match for this green lightning. Oh, you wanna know how much that is in feet? Uh, that's kinda weird. Why do you wanna use such a weirdly specific body part as a unit of measurement? Is that a kink or something? Look, I'll level with you. I'm exactly 9.6 times as tall as the world's longest nipple hair. Is that satisfying enough for you?

"Umm... Sweetheart? Is everything alright," said Kermit with a slightly worried look in his face. "You just kind of froze for a couple of minutes there."

"Huh? Oh, I was just doing some internal monologuing. You never know who's secretly a mind reader looking for some entertainment", I explained as I eyed up the suspicious looking old lady who was struggling to keep a straight face. Fucking knew it.

I could see in Kermit's face that he was yet again weirded out by my endless shenanigans, but to my surprise he also looked genuinely amused. Instead of having to prepare myself for a hot wave of embarrassment, his reactions kept making me feel giddy and... really comfortable. And instead of just simply not minding my weirdness, Kermit actually _ enjoyed _ it. I didn't know that was even possible.

"Ah, I see. May I however interest you in some dapper dialogue, my dear?" Kermit offered out his hand in a gentlefroglike manner. I was more than happy to grab it, as long as it meant I didn't have to run after this bullet train of a man.  
  
"You've been calling me so many different pet names for the last couple of hours I'm almost becoming desensitized to it. Almost." Throughout the afternoon he had called me dear, sweetheart, baby cakes, baby turtle (apparently that one is a frog thing), cookie wookie, bambi, honeybee, bongo cat, muffin, buttercup and my little burrito. It was so obvious what he wanted from me. The guy had no shame. But little did he know that I'm an old fashioned girl; I usually wait around three weeks before I start giving people my friendship bracelets.  
  
Kermit playfully rolled his eyes. "Well it's not like you're giving me much of a choice! None of my guesses have been right so far, so it's starting to seem like I won't get to find out your real name until after six", he said while sighing very dramatically. "I might try a couple of more times though. Denise?" He guessed while looking a tad bit nervous.

"Nooope, wrong again frog boy", I giggled. "Oh thank fuck, that would have been awkward", I heard him mutter under his breath. His eyes were fixated on the seagull across us, but I could tell his mind was somewhere else.

“Oh Kermit. My dude, I get it. Some names just bring up memories you don’t wanna necessarily relive. If your name was [REDACTED] the Frog, I would have ran as soon as you approached my mayo snacks”, I said while squeezing his hand a bit tighter. [REDACTED] shall never have his hands on my snacks as long as I live.  
  
“Wow, that seems rather intense. Do you wanna talk about it?” Kermit asked while gently rubbing his soft, green velvety thumb against my hand. I scoffed louder than I intended to, and fortunately Kermit seemed to get it. “That’s alright. Check out all these ladybugs though”, he said as he pointed to a bush we were slowly approaching. And oh BOY was that son of a frog right about those ladybugs.  
  
Soon we were pr- I’m sorry my neighbour is having a REALLY loud shit upstairs right now and it’s extremely distracting. I’m gonna wait until they’re done. Wait, it sounds like they’re having a full conversation in the bathroom? Do they have an emotional support shitting partner up there? Well, whatever floats your boat dude. Okay, looks like they’re finally done.  
  
Anygay, soon we were practically swimming in a swarm of ladybugs. Ladybugs are honestly so goddamn underrated. They’re like beta-versions of butterflies.  
  
“Have you seen anything more beautiful in your life?” I gasped with my eyes fixating on the red little buggers. Kermit sighed longingly. “I can think of a couple of things.” I turned around to find Kermit staring at me with a soft expression on his face. It was the kind of expression that fills your stomach with butterflies and makes you look away, even though you desperately want to keep gazing into their eyes.

Oh, fucksicles. Was I developing an actual crush on this luscious, long legged daydream? And was there a chance he could like me back - like, _ like _ like me? And where on _ earth _ was that…  
  
“...music coming from?” I absentmindedly finished the thought out loud. Somewhere, someone was playing a very familiar song - except it sounded like an orchestral version of it. “Hmm?” Kermit looked around to find the source of the music, and as I followed his gaze I saw, and I shit you not, a choir accompanied by a FULL string orchestra.  
  
  
_ “I hear the drums echoing tonight…” _  
  
  
“Are they playing…”  
“Africa by Toto? It sure seems like it”, Kermit smiled smugly. Somehow he didn’t seem surprised at all by the sudden flash mob. It took a long while before it hit me.

“Wait. WAIT. Oh my god. Are you… Are you flashing me?” I asked as my eyes got all teared up. Kermit sighed loudly. “Muffin, can you PLEASE not call it that. But yes, I orchestrated this flash mob after we talked about our bucket lists and you told me you’ve always wanted to experience a flash mob”, Kermit explained with that same smug smile on his face. Yup, that comically confident look on his face was still adorable alright.  
  
  
_“...along the way, hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies…”_  
  
  
Kermit offered out his hand. “Would you care for this dance?” He asked in an oh so sweet way. I could listen to that froggy, nasal voice for hours.  
  
“S-sure thing, my good dude” I smiled awkwardly while trying to come up with a cool and casual response. Damn it, I was making a complete fool of myself. Why couldn’t I suddenly summon back those effortlessly charming vibes I was giving this afternoon while eating my mayo jar?

All these nervous thoughts filled every corner of my soul as I was suddenly being embraced by Kermit and we began slow dancing. “Tell me, my sweet buttercup… Have you had a fun afternoon?” He inquired. 

Kermit was almost uncomfortably smooth and genuine right now. I wanted to come up with something witty - I wanted to lighten up the mood and come up with a comically clever response to throw back at him so he’d stop being so confidently in control of the situation. His attitude kept summoning more butterflies in my stomach and I wanted to get those lousy freeloaders out of there. But all I could manage to get out of my mouth was:

“It’s… It’s honestly been the best afternoon I’ve had in ages”, I said without a hint of sarcasm in my voice. I could see Kermit’s face - god, his face was so close - light up as I finished my sentence. “Same here”, he whispered softly. As we kept slow dancing, I rested my head against his chest almost instinctively. He felt surprisingly warm and fuzzy for a frog. I could have stayed there forever.

“You know what would make it even better though?” He asked for what felt like an hour later. I lifted my head up and thought about it. Ah, he probably still wanted me to tell him my real name.

“I think I do”, I said with a smirk on my face. “It’s…” I opened my mouth to tell him my name, but before I had the chance I felt Kermit’s lips on mine.  
  
  
_“It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you…”_  
  
  
I was surprised. Very, very pleasantly surprised, but surprised nonetheless. We had spent the entire afternoon together, yet I hadn’t noticed any signs from him that would have indicated he liked me back! Who’da thunk it? I kissed the dreamy frog prince back enthusiastically.

As he pulled away from the kiss, he gave a slight chuckle at the sight of my cartoonishly blushed face. “What were you going to say, my dear?” He purred.  
  
“I-it’s Keets”, I said breathlessly. Kermit furrowed his brows. “Pardon?”

“My name”, I giggled. “My name is Keets.”

“...What the fuck kinda name is Keets?”

“Oh shut it, frog boy.” I rolled my eyes, and as I pulled him in for another kiss, I could feel him suppressing a chuckle against my lips.


	3. Where are all the pants?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAND WE'RE BACK! Got back into writing this shitshow because of quarantine boredom. And just like with the previous chapters, chapter 3 has too been written whenever I've been in a questionable state of mind (aka. been drunk, been sleep deprived, been driven to insanity due to self-isolation etc). It's because I want to stay loyal to the weird, feverish, completely unfiltered writing style of the first chapter. 
> 
> Also fun fact: unlike with the previous two chapters, I’ve written most of this chapter as single! I think my feelings and hopes about the kind of love I’m looking for right now might show up a bit differently in this chapter. It would be interesting to hear your thoughts about it! Or maybe I’m just writing a weird ass fever dream inspired crack fic about Kermit the Frog with my exactly one and a half brain cells.
> 
> Tali, you were an excellent girlfriend. Thank you for never minding that your girlfriend was writing a weird ass fanfiction about Kermit the Frog.  
...Or maybe that was the real reason you broke up with me?

“Okay, but what’s your _ actual _ name though?” Kermit asked after pulling away from the kiss. I rolled my eyes as I prepared for an all too familiar conversation and pulled out my wallet.

“Read it and weep, Kermy” I said, showing the license I had just taken from my wallet. He squinted his eyes.

“Oh, wow!” Kermit exclaimed. “I really thought you were fucking with me, but that Dumb Bitch license looks pretty official.” He paused for a second. “Do you have a middle name, miss Keets McGee?”  
  
I laughed like a uhhhh y’know one of those uhhhh sophisticated “ohh politics and wine!” kind of rich people. “All in good time, my handsome amphibian”, I winked at him. The man may have known some of my worst fears and my deepest insecurities by now, but I’d be damned if I’d let him know my middle name. That shit’s SACRED.  
  
“Alright, you mysterious little cryptid”, he said while placing a gentle kiss on my cheek. It still felt so unreal! Kermit the Frog himself, kissing little old me! 

As I lingered to the feeling of the warm, moist feeling of his frog lips brushing against my cheek, I noticed that the sky was starting to darken. There were barely any clouds in the sky, which gave me the perfect opportunity to show off my stargazing skills.

“Check out that star over there”, I said while pointing up. Kermit looked up, and again, for the lack of eyebrows, just did this really weird thing with his eyes that probably would have looked like he was furrowing his eyebrows, provided that he had the eyebrows.  
  
“Keets, that’s a whole streetlight”, Kermit said. I furrowed my eyebrows at him. He turned to face me and looked at my eyebrows. “_Goddamn that looks so fucking weird_”, he muttered under his breath.

I looked back at the supposed star. Well what do ya know! “Haha yeah, you’re so right! Sorry, my eyesight gets kind of weird when I’m nervous”, I explained, blood rushing to my cheeks from the embarrassment. Kermit’s face softened immediately. “Oh my little baby turtle. What are you feeling nervous about?”, he said while gently cupping my cheek. Oh that feels so much better than when I do that to myself. Oh what the _ fuck _ that feels good.  
  
Despite the orgasmic level of tenderness Kermy baby was giving me, I was still biting my cheek. “Well… I’ve never really done a one night stand before…” I half whispered, unable to look him in the eyes.

“Haha woah, what makes you think you’ll be sleeping with Mister the Frog himself tonight?”, he said in a way that I didn’t recognise as either joking or serious.  
  
“Oh no, I just… I assumed, no, thought we… Oh gosh, I’m so”, I started stuttering as I felt even more blood rushing to my cheeks, but I didn’t get a chance to finish before Kermit cupped both of my very reddened cheeks, and kissed me passionately. I felt his tongue exploring my tongue, softly yet confidently, and I felt more butterflies at the bottom of my stomach.  
  
“I was just joking,” he said, smiling through the kiss. “I felt exactly what you felt when we hit the chorus of Toto’s Africa.” I sighed with relief, and I could see how his cheeks were blushing too as I pulled away from the kiss. So it wasn’t just me who felt that raw, incredible sexual tension between us. From the moment when Kermit had first kissed me, my body had been aching to be pressed against his warm, firm body again.

“So… Am I invited to see your humble palace, Kermit?” I asked, still slightly gasping for breath.  
  
“You most certainly are.”  
  
  
…

…

…

“Wah???” I heard a nasally voice reply as Kermit rang the video doorbell to let his roommate know that he had forgotten his keys in his room.

“Al-wah-righty…” the roommate whined and buzzed us in. “Who’s your roommate? He sounds awfully familiar,” I wondered out loud as the door opened. Kermit gave me a knowing smirk. “Oh, you’ll see.”

As we walked into Kermit’s apartment, my jaw dropped. Kermit lived in a huge, extremely modern looking panthouse. Everything looked really expensive. The windows were all the way up to the ceiling, showing a gorgeous view of the city by the way, and the ceiling itself was ridiculously high. Swag. Something was missing though…

“I thought there’d be more pants”, I muttered to myself.  
  
“Hmm?”  
  
“Oh I just thought there’d be more pants”, I repeated myself a bit louder. Kermit looked utterly confused.  
  
“You said that you lived in a panthouse?” I reminded him. He was completely silent for a few seconds. Then he let out an amused groan as he rolled his eyes.

“_Pent-_house, my darling. You sure aren’t letting that dumb bitch license of yours go to waste, huh”, he said, pretending to be annoyed, but I could hear genuine amusement in the tone of his voice. “It’s a full-time job, baby”, I said as I wandered around Kermit’s huge living room. I suddenly felt my pupils dilate (I’m really sensitive, okay?) when I spotted Kermit’s television. 

“Oh sick, your roommate plays Smash Bros? Hi, nice to meet you! My name is…” I got ready to introduce myself to whomever I would find lying on the living room couch, but I quickly found myself unprepared to handle any kind of decent social interaction as I laid my eyes on…  
  
“...WALUIGI?!” I yelped in surprise. Indeed, I was staring at mister Waluigi himself from the hit video game series Super Mario. He was slouching on the couch with a Nintendo Switch controller in his hands, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and his iconic purple cap.

“Wah-what? Your name is Waluigi too?” Mister Waluigi asked, very surprised and confused. I blankly stared at him for a while.  
  
“Oh! Oh no, I was just… Actually... I uh, my name-” I stuttered, still very much in disbelief that I was talking to Wa-fucking-luigi. As I continued trying to form a full sentence, I felt Kermit grabbing my waist.  
  
“This is Keets. I met her earlier today while feeding some ducks. She was eating a whole goddamn jar of mayonnaise”, he explained to his roommate. God, I wish I was as charming and confident as Kermit the Frog. Waluigi gave us a weird look, rolled his eyes and then got back to his game.

“Okay, wah-tever dude. Just don’t make too much noise and make sure to wear some clothes if you go to the kitchen”, he said with his eyes fully fixated on the television screen. I wondered who his main was in Smash Bros, but before I had the chance to ask, Kermit dragged me with him.

“Don’t mind Waluigi”, he said as we walked through the massive penthouse. “He always gets in a... particular mood whenever he plays that game. He’s usually a super chill guy. We’ve actually been friends for years,” Kermit explained. I nodded absentmindedly as he kept going on about their friendship; I was mainly focused on the labyrinth of a house he lived in.  
  
For an example, we went up a couple of sets of stairs, down a couple of sets of stairs, turned left at the massage room, turned right at the solarium room (can frogs even get a tan?), left at the library, right at the observatory (what in the entire fuck?), through the basement and past the armory. It felt like it had been hours since we were in the living room. Why are two guys living in an apartment this big? With all these weird ass rooms? What’s Kermit hiding?  
  
“...And that’s why neither of us are technically allowed to vote again until 2024. Oh, we’re here! Yaaaay,” Kermit exclaimed and flailed his arms around. He was so cute when he did that.

And then he opened the door to the bedroom of mister Kermit the Frog himself.


End file.
